Intimacy grows through the ways people get to know, trust and care for each other. It can include conversation, affection, shared experiences and sexual closeness, depending on what both people want. A strong attraction may be a beginning; the everyday relationship still needs attention.
If “soulmate” is a meaningful word for your connection, you can keep that personal meaning while asking practical questions. Do you feel heard? Can you disagree safely? Are your choices and limits respected? A powerful feeling does not answer those questions for either of you.
In this article
1. Describe what closeness means
Ask what helps each of you feel connected. One person may value uninterrupted conversation; another may appreciate shared activities, affection or practical help. You can have several preferences, and they may change with work, health or family responsibilities.
Try a specific question: “What has helped you feel close to me lately?” Listen for the answer rather than assuming that your favourite way of showing care works equally well for your partner.
Emotional familiarity does not make either person a mind reader. Saying what you need gives the other person something clearer to respond to, while leaving room for an honest answer about what they can offer.
2. Keep learning about each other
Knowing someone includes staying curious as their life changes. Ask about an ordinary concern, a plan they are considering or something they have enjoyed recently. Share your own experience too, so the conversation has room for both of you.
The Gottman Institute’s Sound Relationship House framework brings together knowing a partner, expressing appreciation, responding to bids for connection and managing disagreements, with trust and commitment as supporting elements. You can use those themes to start a conversation about your relationship.
Keep personal questions invitational. A partner can choose when to discuss a painful experience or private topic. Listening patiently can be more considerate than pressing for details as proof of intimacy.
3. Make care practical
Look at what happens between important conversations. Do you keep ordinary agreements, share responsibilities fairly and respond when something needs attention? Small actions give you information about how the relationship works.
- Attention: agree on a time to talk when you can both participate.
- Appreciation: name something specific you value about the other person.
- Follow-through: explain when a plan changes and discuss what happens next.
If an agreement was broken, describe its effect and what would help repair it. An apology matters alongside changed behaviour. You do not have to pretend an unresolved concern has disappeared to keep the atmosphere positive.
4. Respect separate choices
Closeness can include privacy, time apart and different interests. Discuss how much contact, shared time and independence each of you wants. Access to messages, constant availability or agreement on everything is not a necessary measure of love.
Physical affection and sexual activity also need freely chosen agreement. Either person can decline or change their mind. Love is respect’s boundary guidance explains why people need room to express their limits without fear.
You may discover a difference that needs negotiation, or one that means you want incompatible relationships. Take that information seriously without treating it as a failure to care enough.
5. Review the relationship
Choose one workable change together, then return to it. Did a regular conversation help? Was a responsibility actually shared? Can both of you say when the arrangement needs adjusting?
If you both want help and feel safe participating, qualified relationship counselling may provide a place to discuss recurring difficulties. You can also seek individual support to clarify your own needs and choices.
When there are threats, coercion or fear of retaliation, seek confidential individual support rather than treating the situation as a communication exercise. The National Domestic Violence Hotline explains the risks of couples therapy in an abusive relationship. Meaningful spiritual beliefs and a sense of connection can sit alongside careful attention to your safety.