Why we live with individuals who hurt us

When we stay in an unhealthy relationship, it’s like we trust that our partner will change. But the truth is, we are just waiting for ourselves to transform, a procedure that takes a longer time than we expect.

Below are the reasons why we live with a partner who hurts us:

  1. We replace need with affection

Need is important. Our body always informs us that we need basic needs-food, water, and sexual release.  Emotional needs are more abstract-appreciation, empathy, human interaction, and fulfillment. The problem comes in when we get into a relationship that is not love-based but requires one or more of our basic emotional needs. A partner who is empathic to our pain can turn and use our weakness against us. a boss is likely to appreciate us for a job well done and humiliate us when we fail. A friend can always be there in our lives but always portrays negativity. When we encounter true love, we are usually at peace and feel like our needs have been met. Love is a covenant that requires us to work together as partners to meet each other’s needs for a long-lasting, healthy relationship. Replacing need with love is not fair, this is because, although our needs can be met fully, we will still miss that feeling of being loved in a relationship.

  1. We trade attachment for love

Leaving out the pressure from the society that we should look for partners and stigma that comes with being single, not forgetting childlessness, attachment is a basic human need too. Attachment sounds secure naturally because being alone is the opposite. We can find strength in self-reliance, independence and resilience we change loneliness into solitude, but several individuals long for feelings of emotional and physical security that having a partner brings forth.  The problem comes in when we choose a selfish partner, a partner who wants everything to him or herself or things to be done her way. True love is unselfish, mutual and supportive. It is not fair to trade love attachment for love, because we live in a loving relationship but end up hiding behind a mask of happiness while inside there’s nothing.

  1. We replace self-love for love of another

A healthy relationship cannot be sustained by our affection for each other or another’s affection for us. if we love others more than we love ourselves then we are setting ourselves up for eternal disrespect. The saying that someone can only love you as much as you love yourself is true because love is the determinant of what we tolerate. We grow resentful and erode the self that our companion may have loved, to begin with when we give in ways that are hurtful to ourselves. We also give room for us to be mistreated. Regardless of how much love someone shows us, without self-love, it can never come to pass. It is not fair to replace self-love for love of another.

Another reason why individuals stay in hurtful relationships is that they believe in what we called unconditional love. Individuals frequently inquire what unconditional love entails not sure whether we still have to hold onto someone even if they hurt us because we can’t put conditions in love such as refusing to be physically abused.

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